Just a Pinch

As of this writing, there are no Kardball rules that control pinch batting; we leave it to each venue to manage this as a house rule.

An appropriate use of pinch batting is when the next player in the batting order cannot come up to bat because he or she is making microwave popcorn, or letting the dog out, or is simply "indisposed."  A teammate bats as a substitute.  But just this once.

Stop Pinch Abuse

Here at Kardball.com we embrace traditional baseball elements, and we want to help you keep the game moving.

Once long ago, your cousin Brian pinch batted for you after you got hit in the "groin" with a line drive and had to "rest" for an inning. Lo these many years later, you can now pinch bat for your buddy Paul who has stayed in the rest room for a long, long time after he chopped raw jalapeno peppers and didn't wash his hands BEFORE answering nature's call. It's like the Circle of Life.

But we do not condone full time pinch batters, or unnecessary pinch batting, or pinch batting out of order, or batters swapping cards, or anything else like that. These are abuses. Any game in the kind of state that would require something crazy like that is a game that should be ended prematurely: for example, the abusive pinch batter's team should forfeit the game.  That's right, I said "forfeit." I know it hurts.

Legal Basis for Enforcement

In a previous expository post on batting, we stipulated that only cards which are (or will be) in play should ever be drawn. The official rules expressly prohibit card swapping. These two conditions will limit most pinch abuse. To our understanding, the only loophole would be when, with one out remaining, the same veteran Kardball player draws cards and bats repeatedly in succession as a pinch batter.

But really, is individual player skill that important?

The Royal Outfield

All face cards in the outfield is what this is.  It's "Will and Kate" times eight. It rarely happens, but we have seen more than a few crown-heavy defenses along the way. 

The obvious problem here is that the Royals are helpless against everything except aces. They're too high above what's happening between the lowly two-, three- and four-spot footmen. Collective sigh.

A Job For Braveheart

Since you've got essentially no useable defense with a Royal Outfield, you'll need a cunning pitcher with nerves of steel to keep hitting to minimum. If there are any dinks or dunks, the pitcher may have to put those out on his own as well.

Normally a pitcher likes having an Ace in his quiver to quickly dispatch a batter when the moment is right, but ... if all there is in the outfield is eight bewildered faces, a pitcher's Ace must be held to stop a home run. In this kind of scenario, Braveheart only has two cards to work with. He's not entirely unlike the knight with severed limbs in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Some Suggestions

As long as there is an Ace somewhere on the defense, consider using the intentional walk to get rid of a scary batter and draw a fresh card. With great skill and luck, you can do this three times without giving up a run.

If the pitcher has a face card, throw it on strike three. Batters usually hold back an Ace until the third pitch, so if they swing the Ace at a face, one of your Royal fielders can make the out and get some much-needed lower-class blood in the game.

Keep calm, and carry on. If you reveal your predicament, the offense will launch a "death by a thousand cuts" strategy as the Royal Court looks on helplessly from afar.